On Fear, Softness, and Being Seen

Lately I’ve been feeling these tiny, almost invisible shifts inside me. Maybe it’s because of the new people in my life or the different places I found myself in this year. Or maybe it started when I released my porn videos, with that strange mix of pride, exposure, and suddenly seeing random images of myself floating around the internet.

I had already been living in the OnlyFans world for a while, showing little pieces of myself and talking to the same familiar names every day. But even with that, something shifted. It wasn’t me changing. It was the way my fans looked at me.

how do you call a silly girl in your language?

we say Omoshiro ningen!

They were always kind, but after the release their attention felt warmer and more careful, almost like they had already sensed my anxiety before I ever said anything. And whenever I shared even a small part of how I was feeling, nobody judged me or pulled away. Instead I received messages like “I’m proud of you” or “I understand what you’re trying to say.” Those words slowly became a place where I felt safe, a place I didn’t realize I had.

Thinking about places, this was probably the year I traveled the most. South America, Hawaii, Thailand, Indonesia, Spain, England. So many new places and so many new friendships, like the world quietly kept opening little doors for me. I thought I would travel even more next year, but with my family getting older I imagine I’ll be coming back to Japan a bit more often.

me when I was in Hawaii

I think I want to write more about this whole journey. There’s something in it about fear, work, intimacy, and the unexpected places where we end up finding a sense of safety.

If you enjoy these kinds of reflections, let me know, I will write more for you xx