Spain and the moment I Become Something Else
- Rikako Katayama
- 15 hours ago
- 3 min read
Updated: 1 hour ago
My days in Spain felt like stepping into the story already written, the sun spilling across the old stone streets, flower pots on the windows, a man playing the guitar on the street with that hat, it felt like somebody is in charge of Spain to be always in harmony and making sure it's the right balance and colors.
In Malaga, I had my first goat milk with coffee. It was stronger and a lot earthier than what I am used to. It's difficult to describe the goat milk flavor but it was like having the mountain in the mouth, sort of like I feel the entire ocean on my tongue with oyster.
It was during those days that my first production porn film was released. When I saw the small notification on my phone, my heart raced although I knew about it in a few days prior. It's all in the screen, a thin surface of glass, hard and cold. And yet, my soft skin was sent into that world carrying both what could be seen and what could not.
It wasn’t that I was shocked, nor did I feel regret. But there was a gap... In my real life, I don’t have sex outside of filming. Part of it is responsibility, regular healthh checks, not wanting to bring risk to others and part of it is simply that there is no partner in my life.
Because of that, the release felt very very far away from the life I actually live. What is certain, no one can really know. And if everything could be fully known, then what meaning would there be in seeing with our own eyes? To be completely honest, I had no strong feelings about it, of course, I had a good time. But there are other times off camera, I enjoy plenty much.
Under the Spanish sky, I realized, My work, my choice, is now out in the world.
Of course, there is fear too. Strangers watching me, judging, mixing admiration with probably a whole a lot of criticism. But also at the same time, I am feeling great about doing something of my own choosing. On that day, I wasn’t only a Japanese tourist ,I was a creator, and also a little bit of a solitary wanderer.
Walking along the stone streets of Andalus, I wondered if the timing meant something, that my release happened exactly while I was here. Like the whitewashed walls glowing in the sun, the film was now simply there, receiving whatever gazes came its way. It no longer belonged only to me.
I thought of most of the Spanish dishes I had here. Simple, honest, without much decoration. Maybe my work should be the same, not about the glitters and decoration, but about honesty, and something that might linger in someone's life.
I was born, went to school, got a job... everything was ordinary, up to a point. But when I decided to become a content creator or pornstar, however you'd like to call it, I realized clearly, this is where I step away from all this. There was a sadness in those momements.
It doesn’t mean that a part of me disappears. I am still myself. But the people I once thought of as my circle of friends, standing besides at the same eye level, I can no longer walk the same direction with them. Without a doubt, I will drift farther away, and perhaps even become someone they avoid.
And yet, I know with certainty that I have chosen a different path myself (and what a great feeling...) And that truth makes me stand a little straighter.
In a way, exposing my body and sex feels like becoming a monster in a sideshow. I mean... I REALLY LIKE MONSTERS? This is not only about sex. You have to flip the switch, break the frame, and let your insides roar until it's an actual vibration. Not tamed at all because we are about to exceed some limits.
But maybe becoming a monster also comes with the choice to stop being simply human. Let’s call it kung fu.
